


fuck-it-list

by hiorheyhailey



Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Brother fluff, Cute, F/M, Soft Klaus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 06:21:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18115064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiorheyhailey/pseuds/hiorheyhailey
Summary: in which Klaus teaches Five how to be a teenage boy.





	fuck-it-list

**Author's Note:**

> wc: 1137 
> 
> hi guys! here's a fluffy oneshot to make up for the sad one i posted haha. thanks for reading!

“I guess it’s alright.” Five mumbles, taking another drink of the cup in front of him. “Not worth four dollars though. Who pays four dollars for a god damn cup of coffee?” The barista swallows. “We have um- we have different blends.” She stumbles, grabbing another cup. “That was pike place. How about Sumatra?” She asks with a little more confidence. Five rolls his eyes and fishes out his wallet. “Better be decent.” The barista stops him and points to the tip jar subtly. “On the house, sir. Until we find a coffee that suits you.” She smiles, scribbling a number five on a cup and filling it. She passes it over, and Klaus, who’s been silent the entire time, watches, wide-eyed. Five takes a sip and blinks. “This one tastes like post-apocolyptic shit.” Klaus can’t help but laugh. The barista just shakes her head. “Thanks for trying.. Amber.” He smiles, dropping a few ones in the tip jar. “Maybe you’ll like the Colombia?” She suggests, pouring another cup. Five takes a sip, and frowns. Not the one. “Something stronger, maybe?” Klaus offers. Amber smiles and pours a new cup. “French Roast.” She mumbles. 

And finally, just like that. The stars have aligned, mercury is out of retrograde, and Five Hargreeves has found a decent cup of coffee. He’s silent for a few moments, and both Klaus and Amber are waiting impatiently. “It’s- It’s good.” He shrugs, taking another drink. “Does it come in a larger size?” He asks. Amber smiles and grabs a bigger cup. “Of course.” 

 

“Okay..” Klaus says, crossing off find a decent cup of coffee from the list. “Now there’s just... Go on a date, have your first kiss, and get out of that damn school uniform.” Klaus laughs. Five rolls his eyes. “I don’t need any of those things except for the last.” He says, opening the door to a menswear store. “Dude! It’s like a bucket list ‘cept you’re like living. You have to!” Klaus begs, following him into the store. “A- a fuck-it-list!” He yells. Everyone in the store stares. “Sorry. Sorry.” He mumbles. Five shakes his head and begins browsing. “What do the folks wear these days?” He asks, running his fingers through the racks. He pulls a pair of black slacks from a shelf and holds them up. “These?” He asks. Klaus shrugs and points to his skirt. “Fair.” Five mumbles. 

Ten minutes later he’s changed into a pair of black joggers, a white t-shirt and denim jacket with a little help from the sales person. “Is this what people who don’t have to save the world do?” Five stares at himself in the mirror and gags. “I don’t know, I’m not usually sober.” Klaus says, paying the sales person. “Ready dude?” He asks. Five nods and the two exit. Most people are probably wondering why a grown man and prepubescent teen are hanging together, but Klaus and Five know, they just don’t care. 

“What about her?” Klaus points his spoon towards a blonde. Five takes another bite of his frozen yogurt and shakes his head. “Don’t you think sitting outside of a boarding school is a little weird?” Five asks. Klaus shrugs, and points to another girl. “Nope.” Five murmurs. Klaus sighs dramatically, and throws his cup into the trash can. “You’re impossible. Always hung up on that fucking mannequin.” Five scoffs, and begins scanning the school yard himself. “She’s… interesting.” He points. “Dude. That’s a teacher.” Klaus pretends to stick a finger down his throat. “And her?” Five points again. Klaus sits up a little straighter “Yeah, her?” He asks. Five nods. “She’s pretty! Go say something!” Five grumbles something, and stands up. He swallows, looks at Klaus, at the girl, and back at Klaus again. “What do I even say? I’m almost a 60 year old man.” He asks, he won’t show that he’s becoming more and more anxious and insecure, but Klaus isn’t dumb— he can tell. “Just say you’re new to the area, and your dad, that’s where I come into play, is wondering if he should enroll you in this school. You’re 14, a freshman, and Five was your late mother’s lucky number.” 

 

“Um- Hello.” Five practices, walking up to the girl. “Hey, what’s up? Hey, are you a student here- obviously, she’s a student here.” It’s a short walk, and his rehearsal time is cut in half when she approaches him. “Hey! You’re not a student here.” She crosses her arms, and just like she knows what he’s going to say, “I’ve been watching you and—” She points to Klaus feeding a pigeon, “Watching us. What’s with it?” Five shrugs, and sits down on a bench, she doesn’t hesitate to sit next to him. “New to the area, scouting out a few schools. I’m a freshman.” He says, just like Klaus had told him too. “Oh. Cool. I’m Tessa.” She holds out her hand and adds that she too— is a freshman. “Five.” He says, shaking it. Tessa doesn’t question why that’s his name, and he likes that. 

Not even an hour later and he’s leaving with her number. “Private tour.” He announces, holding the sticky note up. “All right!” Klaus claps, standing up and giving Five a hug. It’s not reciprocated, but Klaus didn’t expect it to be. “When? Tonight?” He asks pulling away. Five nods. “I’m supposed to meet her here at 7.” He says. Klaus is still smiling. “Klaus..” Five says, his smirk falling off his face. “I’ve never been on a date.” He mumbles. Klaus’ smile also falls. “Right, on account of there only being postapocalyptic mannequins. Don’t worry, Deigo and I will help you.” Klaus reassures him. 

Sure enough, Klaus is dressed in one of Allison’s Givenchy dresses, a tiara, and a blonde wig. “I’m Tessa, ok? And Diego, is our waiter.” Klaus says. Diego rolls his eyes but continues to play along. “I’m really indecisive.. Do you recommend anything?” Klaus asks in a high-pitched voice. Five swallows, “I uh, I’ve only been here a few times. The Cedar Salmon is really good though.” He says. “Okay, don’t make small talk! Tell her you’re nervous to be in such a big, new place.” Klaus says. Five nods. “It’s uh- a different world here. Y’know, more immature?” 

When Klaus and Diego decide he’s ready, there isn’t much time left. An hour until he has to meet Tessa. He tries to dress up, a white button up, some black slacks. Allison gives him a hug at the door, and Klaus kisses his cheek. The Umbrella Academy feel like proud parents, although Five is technically twice their ages. Even Luther wishes him luck. “You look great dear,” Grace says, opening the door for him. Five might have thrown up a little bit in his mouth, but he was appreciative.


End file.
